I had just settled into my seat for my flight to Chicago when I overheard that from one of the two flight attendants chatting in the galley right behind me. It took me a second to process that they were surely talking about Prop 8, another second to register the chill up and down my spine that I was in the personal presence of the hate I'd been protesting all week.
Let's face it. Making a sign and seizing control of a major intersection with a couple thousand of your closest friends is exciting and not all that risky. You've got the safety of numbers behind you as you chant your slogans. You borrow voice from your neighbors and lend yours to theirs. It's a great contribution to the fight, but it's not that hard to get out and do.
I had to make a decision and fast. Was I ready to take it to the next level and stand alone without a sign, without a chant, and fight alone? Before my fear could get the better of me and before I could talk myself out of it, I got to my feet and turned to face the pair.
I don't really know where the words cmae from, but they came out and fast.
"The fundamental rights of one group aren't supposed to go to a vote of the general population. That's why we have a constitution--to protect minorities from the tyranny of the majority," I interjected.
The woman nearest me hurriedly explained that she had voted agianst Prop 8. I thanked her and levelled my gaze at her coworker and simply asked "and you?" She was struck dumb by the whole notion of being challenged, but she wasn't about to get away with silence.
"It's certainly your right, but I'd like to understand why if you did vote in favor of it," I added.
She muttered something about simply not thinking it was right or necessary. That a marriage should be between a man and a woman, but she's cool with civil unions (how magnanimous!). OK, now I had something to work with.
"But don't you understand that it is different? Not only is the whole idea of 'Seperate but Equal' inherently unequal, but there are tnagible differences you just can't fix through the law. Imagine if someone goes to the emergency room and says 'My husband is in there. Let me in.' Everyone would understand what that meant and clear the way. Now imagine someone goes in and says 'My domestic partner is in there. Let me in.' Surely you can envision somebody getting the response 'Ummm, I'm not sure what our policy is. Let me get a supervisor' as precious minutes tick away and now it's up to the hospital bureaucracy to get you in there to make life or death decisions. They aren't the same thing."
She clearly wasn't prepared to consider any kind of reasonable discourse, but at least she was starting to get embarrassed.
She shited her eyes away and meekly responded "Well, I don't know about that, but I still think they shouldn't get 'married'."
It was that she couldn't look me in the eye that kept me going as I chased her evasive gaze, found her eyes, and not so meekly said "You mean 'me' not 'they'. It was my personal rights you were talking about."
She tried to abort altogether with "Well, I don't want to get into a whole discussion."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I do. As I said, it was my personal rights you voted against, and I simply wanted to understand why."
I think she was desperate for an emergency evacuation of the plane at this point as I got another mumbled explanation that "they" just shouldn't marry. At this point it was clear I hadn't found someone whom I could educate, so might as well cut her loose.
"Well, again you meant 'me'. But all I can do is try to educate the fair-minded who just aren't aware that this isn't fair, and to identify those who simply aren't fair-minded." My glare indicated exactly into which column she'd been sorted. "Thanks for your time."
I sat down, still shaking a little, but without a hint of the shame I'd felt last week when the vote came down. No, it didn't make the evening news, but I knew that I'd made perhaps my most significant contribution to date to this struggle.
The battle for marriage equality needs this too. Whether you can get out to a protest or not, you can try this yourself. Have the uncomfortable conversation with the relative you've been avoiding, with the neighbor who had the yellow sign in their yard, or with your pastor who asked the congregation to contribute to the fight against us. The confrontation doesn't have to be a fight, just personal. Find out why they oppose our rights and see if it's because they never thought about it carefully or if they just don't care. Don't fight the ones who hate us. We're much better off with those people bored and disinterested than fired up, but find the others and just keep asking them why and telling them your story.
If you can do it on a plane where you get treated like a mini-celebrity by the rest of the crew the whole flight, all the better. :)
Thanks for fighting this with me. No matter where in the U.S. you are, We'll see you at your city hall this Saturday at 10:30am Pacific / 1:30pm Eastern. www.jointheimpact.com for details. If you can make it to Sacramento on the 22nd, a march is forming. I'll post details as I have them.
Repost at will.
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